I wonder how long it will be until there is a wide recognition in trans communities that cis gay men sexually manipulating and abusing gay trans men is endemic

it’s hard to say no to sex when a) everything you’ve ever heard is that no real cis fag could ever want to have contact with your disgusting genitals and b) for your life before transition you were sent the message everyone who’s not Properly Male is sent (regardless of birth assignment), which is that your body belongs to Properly Male People before it belongs to you

despite the ~*~Queer World’s~*~ obsession with trans men and trans masculinity, I have literally never heard anyone articulate this concern in a public forum

maybe it’s because no one likes talking about trans guys fucking cis gay guys—conversations about trans guys fucking trans guys are everywhere and unavoidable, but there’s something about trans guys fucking cis gay guys that Queers Don’t Like To Discuss

why we don’t like to discuss it I’m not sure—there’s more there, way more to think about

(Source: sandyfarquhar)

I’m A Trans Woman And I’m Not Interested In Being One of the “Good Ones” | Autostraddle

How “But” Perpetuates Cisnormativity/Heteronormativity


When I introduce myself as a person with a trans history I am very deliberate in the language I use. I usually don’t use labels (e.g., trans man, transgender, FTM) and instead opt for a quick and direct explanation of my history. “I’m a man who was female assigned at birth and transitioned to live as male” Or “I identify as a man and was female assigned at birth.”

I don’t say “born female,” because I don’t believe I was born female any more than I am currently female. If I wanted to get technical I could say “I was born with two X chromosomes and the sex characteristics that typically result from that chromosomal pairing,” but I’ve never had chromosomal testing and can’t say with 100% certainty that I actually do have two X chromosomes.

I think the “born female”/”born male” rhetoric has been discussed a fair amount in the trans community, so I don’t want to focus on that. I want to highlight that no matter how I explain my assigned sex, I never use “but” to connect that clause with the statement about my gender identity. Unfortunately this is how it is always written. For example, in the succinct and largely commendable editorial published by the New York Times last week, the writers twice use “but”:

  • "a transgender student who was born female but has since assumed a male name and identity"
  • a child who was anatomically female but began to identify as a boy at an early age, assuming a male first name and wearing boys’ clothes”

Have you ever read about a trans person when their assigned sex and gender identity weren’t discussed in this “but” set up?

Now imagine that in the above examples the Times writers had used “and”

  • a transgender student who was born female and has since assumed a male name and identity
  • a child who was anatomically female and began to identify as a boy at an early age, assuming a male first name and wearing boys’ clothes

Hm, sounds less… weird. A quick Google and some grammar reading informed me that we use the “but” conjunction when the second clause is unexpected or contrary to the first. Conjunction Junction, anyone?

So what you say? It is unexpected to identify as male if you were assigned a female sex at birth. To that, I say - unlikely, sure! But unexpected in this context sure looks like abnormal. In fact, let’s call in the scholars and see what they have to say:

“Heteronormativity structures social life so that heterosexuality is always assumed, expected, ordinary, and privileged… . Anything else is relegated to the nonnormative, unusual, and unexpected, and is thus, in need of explanation.” (Martin & Kazyak, 2009, 316)

I actually recommend Martin & Kazyak’s (2009) whole literature review and theoretical background as a nice intro to heteronormativity. Which depending on who you talk to can include cisnormativity or runs parallel to cisnormativity. Cisnormativity is when gender identities that match assigned sex are always assumed, expected, ordinary, and privileged, while incongruent gender identities are unusual, unexpected, abnormal, etc. Which is exactly what the “but” conjunction does when an incongruent gender identity is being discussed.

As Martin & Kazyak (2009) explain, this normative structuring not only regulates our bodies and lives, it is also what allows for a system of privileges and disadvantages based on the congruence of one’s gender identity and sex assigned at birth. It is, for example, what allowed my name change to get me labeled as a possible threat to homeland security, while my mother’s name change (when she took my father’s last name) never raised any red flags. It is what allowed my mother’s double mastectomy to be covered by insurance while mine was deemed medically unnecessary and had to be paid for out of pocket. It’s what tells students that their peer with a different kind of gender expression than they’re used to doesn’t deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. It’s what tells school districts that it’s okay to not allow one boy to stay in the cabin with the rest of his boy friends because he has a less common kind of boy body.

Yes, New York Times, the language you used in your article praising the settlement that called that kind of differential treatment discrimination actually perpetuates the very treatment you came down against. 

I’m not just picking on the Times. I wanted to use that editorial as an example, because it used correct pronouns, was affirming, and was discussing this as an issue of civil rights. They were doing so much right, but still approaching this issue as though being transgender is not normal.

Now, I’ve had people tell me that this is the first step. That we get our legal equality, even if it is wrapped in this language that others us. The othering, we take down next. We will get to be “normal” later. But let’s look at groups who earned legal civil rights. Women, people of color. Are we really going to sit here and suggest that “white man” is not the default, the normal? Maybe we are going about this backwards. Perhaps our first goal should be to challenge the assumptions of cisnormativity and heteronormativty. Maybe if we stop being described as unexpected, abnormal, and ultimately weird, society will stop viewing cisgender bodies and individuals as preferred. Then the civil rights we earn can be truly enjoyed. 

Of course now I’m rambling and getting into politics. When really, all I wanted to say is stop using “but” as word describing the relationship between a trans* person’s gender identity and assigned sex. It’s just as accurate and sounds just as good to say “and,” and I truly believe it will make a huge difference.


Early in transition, the mental gap I had to bridge between the naked body of my cisgender girlfriend and my own naked body pushed me over the waterfall of dysphoria whenever physical intimacy happened. Internalized transphobia and cissexism is really hard to overcome. Seeing her naked body reminded me of how wrong my own felt to me. But with a trans woman, it’s different. She tells me, “I will only touch you in ways you want to be touched.” My body is a minefield and if you step the wrong way we both might get blown up. She understands. She is patient as I translate the map to my body and help her avoid the landmines. And that means the world to me. She understands that on some days the dysphoria is so bad that the only thing I need is to be held.”

Read Teagan Widmer’s “Creating Magic Together" trans partners and intimacy on

(Illustrations by Ellie Knrich)

(via genderfork)


Transgender women in Paris in the 1950s and 60s. photographer unknown.

I made a change to this post out of respect for someone who called me out on it. thanks.

(via inkstainedqueer)


a new study shows that the average cis person is more likely to correct you on the gender of their cat than they are to correct themselves on yours

(Source: jockbf, via transartorialism)

I think there is a universe within everyone and it unfolds as it will.

My 63-year-old father on accepting fluidity and shifts in gender and sexuality.

(Source: roundtop, via inauthenticities)



until the age of five i refused
to wear anything but floral print —
something about the pink, the purple
the jeweled and bedazzled, the lisa frank
brought me closer to my sister:
she the one i’d tell everyone
i wanted to be when i grew up
(still do)

never learned how to pee standing…

(Source: returnthegayze)

Jealous, Wanting and Waiting: Privilege and (Not) Having Enough Sex


By Kai Cheng Thom

This post is the first in a column series entitled “Bad Ass: Real Talk about (Queer) Sex and Dating”.

“We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves, our deepest cravings […] The fear of our desires keeps them suspect and indiscriminately…

"We are taught to think of sex as a mysterious, high-stakes game in which winning means simultaneously having enough of it to prove ourselves lovable while not having so much as to make us sluts.

The truth is, though, sex doesn’t work that way. Sexuality is a uniquely individual experience, and I mean that more than in the superficial, everyone-is-a-special-snowflake sense. The experience of sex is profoundly affected by our bodies and identities – by race, gender, ability, age and class. The reason I don’t go to bathhouses in Montréal is that I am aware that as an Asian, transgender body in that white, male-dominated space, the best experience I can hope for is to be ignored instead of raped. I am not on Grindr because I experience enough racist harassment in the flesh that I need not invite more online.”

(Source: youngist, via inkstainedqueer)